Log in


Incoherent Thoughts

Journal Info




May 8th, 2013

When was the last time I actually posted something? Oh well. I mean mostly everyone who reads this, I know see way more regularly! hah.
So yeah, being back in the states is great. I miss a few things, mainly my car and clothes. I really didn't think that I would stay that long, so I ended up with only 4 pairs of pants...my dad thinks it's hilarious, I think I need to go shopping.
I have also switched my job search focus to the US. I am having a generally easier time applying here, partly due to the language and because most everything is done online here. It's great. So much cheaper and easier than constantly having to print and send it all per mail. I spent way too much money on postage, paper, and everything else needed.

Love being back with my parents, and seeing my friends. The food has been sooo good, and I have spent too much money going out. Considering I have no job, I really need to watch this...
What else? I finally decided to see a doctor about my ankle. I hurt it two years ago, and just now decided to do something about it. I know. I know. My excuse of being in Germany/Austria for most of that time, didn't really fly. We do have a pretty great medical system there. So yeah. My doctor here has now sent me to physical therapy, and I have decided to be responsible and not go running until the PT gives me the green light. (Eric and I had been doing the lake runs a couple time since I've been back, and while it's been great my foot has complained each time with increasing insistence).

Also we have baby Robins in the back yard! The mom keeps eyeing my suspiciously, and I stay back far away from the nest. Still, so adorable.

April 26th, 2013

(no subject)

It's been a while, and not much to report considering that the people that read this are also the people that I now see/talk to more regularly because I am in the states! Woot!

If all goes well, I am thinking of staying here a while. I say, if Germany doesn't want me and give me a job then well, boo on them!!

October 10th, 2012

Be prepared for a rambly, preachy post. More for my benefit than anything else.

Even though I generally try to keep my mouth shut (though often failing at that), I have always been a person deeply interested in Politics. I am also an eternal optimist and despite what the news, and politics and other people tell me, I have always held on to my belief that the world is generally a good place full of generally good people who tend to be misled easily.
This optimism has often been the source of amazement by my fellow students. I decided to study probably one of the most depressing subjects I could have chosen. International Studies? Peace? Depressing as Shit. All I have learned about for the past 6 years is all the horrible things we do to each other. Yes, I often joke about it, all of us studying this do, because that is how we deal with it. Humor is sometimes the only way to deal with it after we watch yet another video of first-hand accounts of torture or war and mass graves. There is the side of absolute destruction, and then in policy classes where we basically learn that there is nothing the international community can/will do about it.

I have witnessed many people becoming jaded, and dropping out of the studies because organizations are useless, hope is useless and humanity just sucks.

Not me. I continued to hold on to the belief that any small thing counts, that doing something is better than nothing, and that people can be changed. That people are easily influenced by blind belief, that most soldiers/people in general who are ordered to kill do it because they are led to believe it is the right thing to do, not because they actually do. I always thought we live in a good place where the good far outweighs the bad. I always argued that it is not naive to think that, but rather the more difficult path to choose, that thinking that there is nothing to do because we are going to hell in a handbasket anyway, is just the easy way out.

Well, I had an epiphany about 5 minutes ago when I burst into tears reading the news. I realized why I cannot write my Thesis about peace (and grief). My Thesis is all about hope and finding the path towards something good in a bad situation. I realized that I don't believe it anymore.
Finally, those 6 years (and the years before) finally got to me. The last few years have had too many shootings and killings and rapings and politicians doing shit about any of it. Once in a while I will ready happy news, or see a happy family on the street, and I believe that people are still good, but there is just too much crap going on for me to continue to believe that the little things count as much. Who the hell shoots a little 14 year old in the head and neck because she wanted girls to go to school? Who the fuck does that? Who blows oneself up in a crowd hoping to get as many people as possible? Who shoots in a crowded movie theater? I don't get it anymore.

I will continue writing my Thesis about peace and hope and shit, but the joy is gone. I used to revel in my optimism, in my hope for the future and I thought it was one of my better qualities. So much for being an eternal optimist.

September 28th, 2012

(no subject)

Per Alison's request, another page count update!!!

uhh, 47/140. I expect my butt to be hurting now. A lot.

To my defense, there's been a lot going on what with me packing up my life into one Toyota Yaris, saying goodbye to everyone here and to welcoming the start of the TV season. :)

September 25th, 2012

Thesis Update

I have decided that I would do (almost) daily updates on my Thesis. I am not sure how much you guys actually care, heh, but this will help me keep me motivated. Because if I have the same page count two days in a row, you are all allowed to kick my ass.

Goal: Finish to between 140-150 pages by October 12th. That is a little bit over two weeks. Can I do it? With the help of my friends kicking my (cute) little behind!

(It may seem like a lot, and it is but I have the research done and now it is all about spewing the information out of my brain and into the pages.)

Page count: 47/140

Oh, I also decided to not to interviews. If I did my paper would be 300 pages long.

October 28th, 2011

(no subject)

2nd post in what, two days? Woo! I'm on fire.

I am just in a really good mood. Last night I purchased my plane ticket to Germany, one way! I am leaving the 15th of December. I mean I will come back and all, I just like not having a ticket right now and being tied down. It's more open this way. Very exciting.

It would be a perfect day, if I just could have some dairy...I have been lactose intolerant all my life, and for the most part didn't care much about it. I still had my Chai Lattes, and my ice cream and my cheese and my milk with cereal, but somehow lately I have gotten super sensitive to it and now became so bad I pretty much have to cut out all dairy from my diet. Except for cheese. I will never give up cheese. And Milk Chocolate.
<input ... ><input ... >

July 12th, 2011

I was asked for pictures of Innsbruck, and here they are!! So apparently when I was 15 I was much more adept at computer stuff than I am now, I totally forgot how to put pictures below the cut and so on. I apologize for cluttering your friend page with the pictures, once I figure it out i will do it. I was going to post more, but we will just do two! First one is one taken in the city, just on the street.

These three are all right outside my classroom, this is the view I have during lecture everyday! And you ask if I get anything done..?

<img alt="" src="http://i1096.photobucket.com/albums/g334/vvepari/IMG_1457.jpg" /

November 6th, 2010

(no subject)

Happy Birthday Patricia!

October 5th, 2010

(no subject)

So thanks to all of my friends for cheering me up about my previous post, and it made me want to do something. More than just mope about it.

So I have been thinking about volunteering. Which, as soon as I find something, I will. What would be amazing if I could start my own little organization, and really why not? I need a good idea and the backing of friends. So I looked into different ideas, I mean everything is basically already being done, but I would love to be able to study the effects of art therapy in impoverished nations and maybe do something with that. What's better is that, that's not something that one single organization is doing. I found a little start-up in chicago, but that's just two people hoping to get funding, which I think is a great idea, but on an international level I found a Christian group doing it, but that seemed to me more of a missionary group than therapy. This could be my thesis. Then again I was hoping to be more book-researchy for that, maybe go more in depth into Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo Bay, I never thought I'd be more interested in strictly humanitarian efforts than international conflicts. Or I could just have volunteering and organizing and all that be strictly a hobby. Part of me really wants to do something, I would even be all over doing a fundraiser for just about anything. I miss my High School days of standing on the side of the road with picket signs.

September 29th, 2010

(no subject)

I am so bored these days. Which is mostly my fault, I just feel so sluggish and like I don't want to do anything, which is not true...but I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I sit at home all day, maybe do some chores but mostly watch TV on the internet. What is wrong with me? I never used to do that, I used to be active and do stuff and actually like school. I am a grad student, but I feel like I am doing nothing for it. I know that I can't do this like I did my other 16 years worth of schooling, where I would spend a minimal amount of time doing actual work because I never had to work hard to get good grades. This is different, and I just don't care. I have an essay due in two days, I barely started on it and it sucks. I know I should do it, but I can't motivate myself. If I knew to what end this work would lead then maybe I'd do it, but I feel so stuck these days. I work part-time at Macy's, which I hate, I am sometimes temping and going on job interviews for jobs I don't even want. Hell, I don't even know if the career I have chosen (whatever that is) is what I want anymore. I want to help people but I just can't imagine myself crawling through the African Bush anymore. Even so, I don't even know how to get started for me to get a job like that.
I am scared of being stuck here, at home, of taking any job because it pays, and staying there because it's comfortable, of then finding a nice but non-exciting guy and staying with him because he is staying. I can see all of this unfolding, slowly but surely, and that is not the future I want. I don't want to live here, I don't want to have a family here and I don't want to settle for any job or man.
I always get these ideas that I could do, but none of them ever see the light of day. Some of them are crazy and some of them are doable. They just all involve me having more faith in myself and getting of my lazy ass. Sometimes I think that I could start writing more, Essays were always my strong suit, that's how I got my good grades in College, but writing Research papers about International Conflict and Torture is not going to sell, and I haven't written anything creative since Freshman year in High School. Then I think that I could draw. I used to do that quite a bit, and wasn't half bad, but any confidence I had in that was destroyed. Maybe I even would start drawing again if I just knew what, all my creative energy seems to have been drained and I don't know how to get it back. Then I want to get in shape, thinking that that is the solution to my problem and it works, for a day maybe two, and then I stop that too. A couple years back I used to look into my future and knew exactly what I want to do, and was very optimistic, I want to feel like that again.
Powered by LiveJournal.com